Saturday, 30 April 2011

Love books!

Little A really loves looking at book covers and is currently reading about psychology, yoga and a new book by my own favourite author, Paul Auster, who I coincidenatally will see in two weeks time at a reading. I'm very excited!

A wonderful nap

This is the view we had when eating lunch today. Not bad at all. We sometimes drive to this little Italian place and buy some massive sandwiches that are out of this world. They are so good!

Later we drove to the park nearby and took a little nap. Little A was sleeping in his pram and we on a blanket on the grass. I actually fell asleep and then was woken up by some birds singing. Not bad at all. I have been having a hard time relaxing in this way since A was born because I am always on guard. You never know for how long he will sleep and that makes it hard to relax. My response to this situation has largely been to stop trying to relax. I'm doing lots more now than I did before I had A and I guess it is a way to keep control.
-Ha! You can't wake me up, because I'm not going to sleep!
That attitude makes you kind of tired and tense so this little nap today meant quite a lot to me.

Whose baby is this anyway?

Although Little A is four months next week, I still catch myself thinking "who has left their baby on my sofa?" I am very much used to him being around but sometimes I feel like I'm waiting for his parents to come and pick him up. And it's not when he is cranky or not so pleasant to be around. It's usually when he is happy and just lying around and I can watch him. It's like I'm fine looking after him, but surely he is not staying for ever, is he?
I guess he is. This is his home too now.

The monkey might be stalking me

There is this blog called Apan (The Monkey) and she has a feature were she stalks a blog for a week (I think) and now I have been nominated to be stalked. What an odd sentence, not something you normally want.
I feel all self-conscious, like when you're having people over and you haven't had the time to tidy up or if you just moved and the things are not in their right place yet. I want to tell you that I have been meaning to change the way the blog looks but I haven't had the time. But please picture something based on the pattern above :)
Anyway, if you like what you read, please feel free to vote for me on

Friday, 29 April 2011

If you don't have a dream, how can you have a dream come true?

Seeing the all the footage from the wedding today, made me really miss London. So right now I'm in a bit of a bad mood. I want more. I don't know what I want more of. Or what I want at all. Well, I know that I want change. But for some reason I have lost momentum in my life and I don't know how to get going again. That is actually not true, I think it is more accurate to say that I don't know what I want and therefore I'm having a hard time going after it.
How do I find out what I want?

Wedding day

I must admit that I am a little bit exciting about the wedding today...

Wednesday, 27 April 2011

What I saw today

I also saw loads of other things that I wanted to take pictures of, but the boss was in a foul mood and I hurried home.
Speaking of the bossy one, he has been a total delight this evening and just now we put him to bed while still awake and after a few minutes of chattering he is now fast asleep. It has never happened before. Mainly because we have never put him down like that before. Silly us.

New outfit

Tuesday, 26 April 2011

One year ago... boyfriend proposed to me on this spot.

Monday, 25 April 2011

What I made this Easter

A hanging toy. He LOVES it and I am very pleased with myself. It's hanging over his changing table in bathroom, but I think I will have to make another one and put it over his bed. The clever thing (if I may say so myself) is that you can remove the toys so that the baby can have a close look (or bite) at them.

Okay, this is pretty brave I think

I will take part in Linnéa's Cross Fit challenge
And this is my before picture. Or it is more like a between picture, because almost 4 months ago I looked like this. (Ups, I'm wearing the same top...)
It will be interesting to see if the stretch marks improve...

So, I'm a little bit behind because Linnéa is already on day 7. I made up for it tonight though.

I haven't found a good weight for the Russian Twists yet so tonight I used the baby. He is about 7,5 kg now so I think that is a good weight. He had quite a perplexed look on his face. But after all he is kind of to blame for the tummy situation so it's only fair that he helps me.

Sunday, 24 April 2011

Easter continued

This is a pillow, no it is actually a bag made into a pillow, that I bought in Jordan some time ago. Little A loves looking at it and chatting to it.

From my kitchen window, a magnolia tree.

Almost my dads pigeons.

Thursday, 21 April 2011

My breastfeeding story

I have been meaning to write about this for a long time now and Maundy Thursday seems to be a good time.

I stopped breastfeeding around the time when Little A was three weeks old. I stopped because I had had enough. I was at the end of my tether and I was not in a good place because of the breastfeeding. I had infections in both my breasts with a accompanying high temperature and because A wasn't nursing for more than 10 minutes at a time he didn't get enough food and my breasts were never emptied. The whole thing was very painful and I was more much focused on my breasts than on A and that wasn't fair. I dreaded when he was getting hungry again because at first it was really painful and then he would fall asleep and not finish the job and I would be left with breasts that got stimulated but not emptied.

I made the decision to stop together with my husband and he was very much in favour of the bottle because he could get more involved in that way. My reason to stop was that I felt that I had given enough of my body to A. I experienced my pregnancy as quite hard, even though there wasn't any complications and you would probably say that is was an easy one. However, for me it was at times very hard to have him growing inside of me. It was of course a great effort to get him out, although the birth was a very positive experience and after the pregnancy and the birth it was like I was done caring for him with my body. I wanted to care for him in all other ways but to keep giving him my body was too exhausting and draining for me. Also, when I was pregnant I was very concerned with that I was the one that was soley responsible for him. I was the one who could tell if he was moving as he used to and it was up to me to let people know if I thought that he wasn't all right. I felt it was a huge responsibility that I didn't want. When he was out of my body, I felt a great relief as I was not the only one who could take of him. If I was hit by a car it would not necessarily affect him (physically).

When I think of what I have could have done differently, I come up with many things. First of all I could have done some more research about breastfeeding. I had read next to nothing about it, which wasn't the case with pregnancy and birth. The reason I didn't research the topic more, was because I was scared that there wasn't going to be a baby. I can be very pessimistic sometimes and I was not convinced that we would come home with a baby. According to my logic, I didn't want a lot of knowledge of breastfeeding lying around in my head, if I wasn't going to use it. More information would have calmed me and would probably meant that the infections didn't get as bad as they did.

Secondly, I would have had an electrical breast pump already at home and used it to empty my breasts when A wasn't able to.

Thirdly, I would have gotten somebody to help me and my husband for, say the first three weeks after birth with all the practical stuff. It was chaos and people tell you to relax about the cooking and cleaning, but you bloody well need to eat don't you? That was a major stress factor for both of us.

People have asked me if I would breastfeed if we had another baby. I probably would have a go, being a lot wiser now, but having said that I am so happy with the bottle that I probably would want to do both.

Luckily I haven't had any bad reactions to not breastfeeding although people take it for granted. I have had lots of mums sort of telling me in secret that they would rather not breastfeed. I don't know why they keep doing it as they do actually have a choice.

With regards to what is the healthiest for the baby, I think the jury is out on that one. There are lots of research telling us how good it is, but I have also heard that research being questioned and that the benefits currently being associated with breastfeeding are actually due to other factors, such a social background, educational background etc. which affects the way one take care of a baby.

At the end of the day, we don't know and they are advantages and disadvantages with everything. There are so many decisions to be made when you're a parent and the best way to know what to do is to listen to yourself and be true to yourself.
I am very grateful that I had the possiblity to give him something else than breast milk and I took advantage of that possibility. I am definitely a better mum not breastfeeding as I feel more centred and more true to myself now. Things could have gone differently but I didn't have the calm to keep trying and I don't regret it one bit. I did what I was able to do at the time.

Tuesday, 19 April 2011

Easter plans

Uh, Easter holidays!
Now, one might think that being on maternity leave is a bit like a holiday all the time. Or wait, that's just stupid, surely nobody thinks that.
Since my husband is having time off, so am I and I am really looking forward to it. We have tried to keep the plans to a minimal so there is time to do nothing at all as well.
We'll just have to wait and see if Little A is going to have some time off, or if he is working through the holiday.

End of an era

Or perhaps I exaggerate a bit. One of my maternity leave buddies is going back to work next week so we went for our last Tuesday morning walk today. The weather was lovely but the babies were a bit cranky.

Monday, 18 April 2011

Flat hunting and yoga philosophy

We have been looking at flats for the last three Sundays in a row. I was going to write that we want to buy a flat, but I'm not actually sure that is what we want. Anyway, we have looked at about 10 flats and none of them are perfect. A few have been horrible and a few have been close, but not close enough.

On the first and the second Sunday, I was having a good time. I like flat hunting when I am not desperate and I admit, I like seeing how people live. However, yesterday was not a good day. The flats were the same in the bad/good sense but the whole process made me miserable. I got in a bad mood and I started to attributing it to not having a nice flat and not being able to find one. Neither statement is true. The flat we live in now is nice enough, it just could be a bit bigger but there is no rush. Nor is it true that we wont be able to find a nice flat. There are loads of flats on the market right now, it's just hard work finding a good one.

I didn't realise this, but got sucked into my bad mood more and more. In the late evening I was begining to see what was happening, but I still couldn't shift my bad mood. The bad mood was still there when I woke up and I looked at it and decided not to act on it. Instead I acted the way I wanted to feel, which meant that I put on make-up, I was smiley with the baby and I made plans for the day.
The bad mood was with me all day but I let it just be and did my thing without letting it getting in the way.

I then got to think about Santosa, one of the niyamas, which together with the yamas are suggestions of how we should deal with people around us and how we can optimally shape our attitude and behaviour. The text below is taken from here.

Santosa: Modesty ~ Contentment with what we have ~ Acceptance that there is a purpose for everything

Santosa is having a sense of modesty and the feeling of being content with what we have. To be at peace within comes from fostering contentment with one's life, even while experiencing its challenges. When we accept that life is a process for growth all of the circumstances and experiences we create for ourselves become valid teachers and vehicles for expressing our highest nature. Accepting that there is a purpose for everything - yoga calls it karma – we can cultivate contentment and compassion, for ourselves and for others. Santosa means being happy with what we have rather than being unhappy about what we don't have.

It was exactly this that I had forgot, to be content with what one has got. Once I remembered Santosa, I was able to shift my perspective and I started to look for possibilities in the flat we live in now and how it could be used in a better way. Before I couldn't see that because I was too focused on what the flat doesn't have, instead of focusing on what it has.

Solved it!

I just solved the problem. I won't tell you how because it was too easy.

Not working

I don't know what is the matter with Blogger, but I think something is wrong with it. I can't choose font for example. I wanted to make a new design this weekend, but it didn't happen because of this.

Sunday, 17 April 2011


I have been in contact with a person who knew Correna very well and that was very good for me. But at the same time it made it more real for me. That she is gone. I have in a way dismissed the whole experience and pretended that we just lost touch. But if somebody else is grieving her too, then it must be true. She is really gone.

Saturday, 16 April 2011

Sewing urges

I can't wait until I get a chance to sew again. Maybe tomorrow. Right now I am working on a bodysuit made out the blue fabric with whales on.

My hallway

This used to be my grandmother's mirror. She passed away in June last year.


Wednesday, 13 April 2011

It's such a perfect day....

I'm glad I spent it with you.

What I made yesterday

Little A in his new trousers that I made yesterday. I had bought a pattern, but it was useless as the people who made it didn't seem to know that a three month old baby wears a nappy. So I made my own pattern, which I should have done from the start. There was a bit tweaking, but in the end I am very pleased with the result.

I will be making another pair as soon as possible. I have all this creative energy and I get really frustrated that I can't do all the things that I want to do. But it is a practise in accepting the present moment and being content with what I actually have accomplished and realising that it is enough.

Happy feet

The grass is always greener

When he is awake, I want him to sleep and when he is sleeping, I want him to wake up.

Tuesday, 12 April 2011

The helpful lion

Little A got his vaccinations yesterday and it was quite awful. I wasn't nervous before and I was fine holding him while the nurse did what she had to do. (Imaging making babies cry for a living...) But I was a bit shaken afterwards, I must admit.
He was a bit cranky and a bit warm in the evening and didn't sleep as well as he usually does, but apart from that he seems fine. Nothing that the Lion can't cure anyway.
It is funny to see how he is developing new skills almost on a daily basis now. He screams a lot louder (not a skill we are great fans of) and yesterday he grabbed a painters brush on purpose. He has been grabbing lots of other things too, but it has always seemed more accidental than anything else. He is using lots more different sounds when he is "talking". And he talks a lot... I wonder where he got that from...?

Saturday, 9 April 2011

Early moring activities

After Baby A had a bottle a 6 am, he went back to sleep. I put him on the sofa, so that he wouldn't to wake up my sleeping husband
I then made some bread and practised yoga for a while. Just like in the old days

Friday, 8 April 2011

There is a first for everything

I did something that I haven't done before. I went to meet two people I've never met before and had coffee with them. I am actually very proud of myself.

Tuesday, 5 April 2011

For the delight of it

The picture is of me three days before I went into labour. I was almost a week overdue and lots of women think that those last weeks are horrible. But I didn't mind it. He wouldn't come out any faster anyway even if I was fed up, so I just relaxed into it.

During my pregnancy I took more care of myself than I have ever done before. I listened to myself and didn't do things that I didn't feel like. I took a lot of exercise and practised yoga several times a week and during the last 2 months almost every day.

I was surprised by how limited I felt, there were so many things I couldn't do and that I missed. I came to think about how amazing my body is and all the things it could do if I only trained it. So I vowed that when I was done being pregnant and had recovered from birth, I would learn to do a handstand.

Inversions in yoga (headstands and handstands) scare the shit out of me. It's not that I just dislike them, like I do with some other poses too. I'm scared out of my mind. I can't control my breathing anymore, I get sweaty palms (I get sweaty palms now, just writing about it), I don't know what is up or down and my adrenalin is pumping. Not a good starting point when doing a fairly difficult pose. I have been up lots and lots of times, against the wall or somebody helping me. But it has always been in spite, I have always struggled and I have done it against myself.

So when I was pregnant and couldn't do any inversions I promised myself that I would practise and practise so that I one day can do a handstand without thinking that I would die. (This is so far out, every time I write "handstand" my palms get sweaty!)

I won't practise because it is "cool" or because it gives you cred in the yoga world to do advanced poses, I will do it for the delight of it. Right now I can't spot the delight, but I will find it. I'll keep you posted.

Monday, 4 April 2011

Frustrated once again

There are so many things I want to write about. Like what I think about motherhood so far and stuff about the birth, but I never have the time. Or I do have the time but I just feel so stressed all the time, that I'm always hurrying through things.
Even as I am writing this, I'm thinking that I should be doing something else. Or I'm asking myself if there is something more useful I could do. Of course there is but I decided a few minutes that I was going to write something so why not stick to that?
I lost track of what I wanted to say. Good night.

Power cut

Just as I was about to put the caramelized red onion and goat cheese tart in the oven, the electricity was gone. Perfect timing... So we ordered a pizza sandwich instead. Will eat the tart tomorrow.

Crazy weekend

We have had a crazy packed weekend and I'm exhausted.
On Saturday we had two sets of guests, one set in the morning and when they left, the other set arrived after an hour. Oh, and we cleaned the flat before they came too.
On Sunday I went to my yoga class. When it was finished my husband and Little A was waiting for me and we went flat looking. We saw 5 flats in total. I don't know if it was too much to-ing and fro-ing, but he seemed alright. We came home and 15 minutes later my friend came to borrow some maternity clothes.
It has been a good weekend and good have done all the things we did, but next weekend we'll try to keep it to a minimal.