Saturday, 4 June 2011

Unconditional love?

I am having a bit of a problem every now and then. I get really insecure when somebody comments on Little A. Nobody has ever said anything nasty or mean, but I still get anxious. Little A is a long and slim baby, he is about the same length as babies 2-3 months older, but weighs about the same as his peers. I sometime worry about him not eating enough. The health visitor keeps telling us that he is a lovely baby who is fine as he is active and curious. I, however still think that he could be a bit chubbier.
That is the problem right there. I want him to be something else. He is absolutely fine the way he is, so there is no reason for him to be anything else. But apparently, I am not happy about the way he is. And that makes me sad and upset. Why don't I accept him the way he is? I don't say anything to him and I let him feed the way he wants to, but I catch myself making excuses for him. Or perhaps not excuses, but saying something about his weight before anybody else get a chance, to like make clear that I am aware of his slimness. To sort of deflect attention from it, I guess.
He is a great baby and I am totally in love with him and have a bond with him that I have never experienced with anybody else before. But when somebody is making a comment about him, I start to think that maybe he isn't good enough, which is awful of me. I am suppose to be his rock and love him unconditionally, but am I if I am doubting him?
I know I can't protect him from future (potentially) nasty comments, but I want to be the person he can come to because he will know that I love him no matter what and I will make him feel better. But what if I can't do that?


Vickie said...

It's so hard as mothers because we want to protect our children from being hurt by others. Are you hard on yourself too? Were people critical of you as a child?

Brave New Life said...

I am indeed hard on myself, very much so. I am working on that a lot and have come a long way. But that is what worries me, that you can only love other people the way you love yourself and I certainly don't love myself unconditionally. I don't remember people being critical of me, but I remember people thinking that I could do better, that I wasn't applying myself in school for example. I worked my ass off (and did do really well too, but apparently not good enough) and didn't know what else I could do. Then when I was 22, I found out that I'm dyslexic, which explained a lot.