How talk shapes our world- part 1

I have been sitting on this one for a while now and apparently if you snooze, you loose in the blog world. You got to be quick! Two others have written something on this subject recently and you can read their post here and here.

Although I might be repeating what the other good people have said, I will have a go at the topic myself.

It is about how you talk to and about children. I will at a later time also write about how you talk about yourself.

I have been tuned into this for a while now and at work I sometimes hear the teachers talking about the children in a way that implies that things are static and permanent (and nothing could be further from the truth). But it was a recent incident that made me want to explore the subject a bit more.

I and Little A hang out in several different mummy-groups. We don’t have anything in common, apart from having a child the same age, but I find it really refreshing to hang out with people I wouldn’t normally meet. Anyway, the other day, Little A was “talking” to a boy in the group. We, the mothers, were holding them up so that they could see each other. It is amazing to see how much they enjoy this kind of interaction with others at the same age as them. Little A can be quite vocal at times and won’t let the other baby get a word in edgewise. But this time he was bit more low-key and let the other baby lead the talk. And he did, he talked and A answered and so it went, back and forward.

All of the sudden, the other mother went:

-Oh, he is so shy with other babies.

I couldn’t spot the shyness and said that I didn’t think that he seemed shy now.

- No, perhaps not now, but he usually is.

This is quite innocent and not a big deal. But I will argue that if the mother continues to point out the baby’s shyness every time he has a social interaction, the child will be shy and not because of some innate shyness, but because that is the way he hears himself being talked about. Words are not just descriptive, they shape the way we look at the world and ourselves.

I have caught myself in doing something similar. Little A sleeps through the night but doesn’t sleeps as well during the day. Or so I thought. I have been telling people and myself that he seems tired but can’t fall asleep unless I rock him and when I put him down, he often wakes up again. One day, I could see that he was tired and I had to clean the bottles so I couldn’t carry him around. I put him down in his bed to go and fetch the baby carrier. He wasn’t overjoyed when I put him down, but nor was he upset. I came back, seconds later and he was asleep. Hmh…I thought to myself. This happened the next time he was due for a nap and the day after and the day after. All I had to do was to keep an eye on him and put him down when he seemed sleepy. And it worked, nap after nap.

Now, if I hadn’t put him down that first time, I might still be saying that he can’t fall asleep on his own during the day and I would be wrong. He can do it, I just hadn’t tried it.

I wish that all adults, but of course parents in particular would listen to themselves when they speak to and about their children. The next time you make a statement about your child, like “he is shy”, “she won’t sleep”, “he won’t take the bottle”, “she prefers her mum to her dad” etc., stop and think if 1. that statement is always true; otherwise change the sentence to “sometimes” and 2. think about if you are giving your child the possibility to do what you want them to do. If your child is not taking the bottle, for example, are you really doing everything you could be doing to help him or her? If the answer is no, but you don’t have the time or energy to do what it takes, then be honest and say that. I wish I would hear more parents saying things like “she doesn’t sleep during the night because every time she wakes up I feed her so that she will daze off again because I just want to go back to sleep straight away and that means that she has gotten used to eating more during the night than during the day” or “he won’t take the bottle because my partner doesn’t want to give it to him and when I do it, he can smell the milk on me and doesn’t want the bottle”.

I am not saying that children don’t have different personalities or different needs and preferences. What I am suggesting is that many of the things we consider being innate to the child, is actually something that we, as adults are creating.

A critical view of criticism

Something that feels current, for me anyway, is the topic of criticism. Of parents in particular. I have read about it a lot lately in the blog world and this post inspired me to write a longer piece on the subject.

One of the reasons I find this subject interesting is that I can't really relate to feeling criticised. I am a new mother and I have yet to experience it in relation to my motherhood. When I think outside my mummy-box, I can hardly remember ever being criticised. Now, why is that? It is not because people in my life adore everything I do, nor is it because I have rose-tinted glasses on and don’t perceive when people are being nasty. I would say that my general outlook on life is borderline pessimistic and I sure don't always think the best of people. Nor is it that I conform to the norm, so that there is nothing to be critical about. Still, I don't often feel criticised. I think what happens is that when somebody says something that could be perceived as criticism, I think of it as somebody expressing a different opinion to mine. I don’t take what they say personally or as a reflection on me. I might get pissed off, if what they say is stupid, but I also get angry when I come across animal cruelty and I don’t take that personally.

I think that what people choose to say to others is more a reflection on them than on the person they are speaking to. Furthermore, something that is perceived as criticism, could actually have been sent off as a piece of advice, i.e. the person’s intention was to help, not to criticise. A lot of it comes down to how people express themselves and how people perceive what is being said. It takes two to tango and it is important to remember that just because one felt criticised, doesn’t mean that it was the other person’s intention to criticise.

I’ll give you an example; I had quite a bad experience breastfeeding and I want to tell every mother-to-be about my experience so that they have a better one. Now, I definitely think that some women could perceive my advice as criticism, as it might come across as that I know better than them and that I am telling them what to do. Only because I would be so eager to help them! The point I am trying to make here is that people live in their own universe and they think they are right. People think that what they think is right. End of story. So with my breastfeeding advice, I could easily get carried away and tell pregnant women what to do because I am convinced that it would have an impact on their likelihood of a good breastfeeding experience and I want to help. However, being aware of this tricky situation, I try to be careful how I phrase myself.

In my line of work I have been taught never to give advice unless it is asked for. Sometimes the way people ask for advice is very subtle, so it can be hard to get it right. However, on the internet, in a blog, I would almost say that putting something out there that is even a little bit controversial, is asking for advice or input, which could in turn be perceived as criticism. Of course it doesn’t give people the right to be nasty, but the reality is that we can’t control what other people do or say. We can only control what we ourselves say and do and how we react to other people.

To summarise, I am saying that perhaps most criticisms are meant as advice and people can get carried away giving advice when they feel that they have something important to say. So my advice to people who often feel criticised would be to take a step back and not to take it personally. If one is really feeling on top of things, then perhaps even think of it as a way for the other person to start a conversation about something that is really important to him or her.

Finally, I would like to say that I appreciate all kinds of input on my childrearing (and other things too), because we must have left the baby instruction book in the hospital. I don’t always know what to do with my baby. I don’t feel like I have some inner maternal wisdom that I can tap into. Some things makes sense, others don’t and I will never (hopefully) act against my own sense of right and wrong. But somebody sees me doing something that is not working for me or the baby and they have tried it and have a suggestion, I would love for them to tell me what to do. I always have a choice as to whether I will listen to them or not. And I a choice as to whether I will feel criticised or not.